I discovered this little tidbit as I trawled through a folder I didn't even know I still had.
The way I see it I’m doing the world a favour. It’s not like anyone’s gonna miss me or anything like that. And if they do, then it’s just too bad. I’ve been lonely forever, and no one’s shown up.
I haven’t decided on the method yet. All I know is I won’t hang myself or slit my wrists. Too painful. I hate pain. That’s part of the reason why I’m taking this decision. Plus I’ll be alive for long enough for someone to walk in and stop me. Which will mean more pain. And surveillance. I won’t be able to kill myself for a while.
Yesterday I thought of jumping in front of a moving train. I was on the platform, supposedly waiting for a train home. But home wasn’t on my mind. Or maybe it was… It’s where the heart is isn’t it? And my heart is dead. So my home right now would be Sheol, or Hades. Or Gehenna; or if some friendly god decides to smile on poor miserable me, I might end up in a heaven of some sort. Which would be patently ridiculous. I’m about to commit murder. Ain’t no heaven for a murderer.
I’m rambling. I’m terrified. Death is so… Final. Oh well, I have nothing to live for. I’ve convinced myself of that. Nobody will miss me. They’ll cry, of course. A million tears will be shed, but in a few short weeks life will return to normal, just as it always has. So. I’ll do this.
Poison. That’s what I’ll do. I need to study. I don’t want any pain. Just a quick silent death, a suicide note found beside my bed to confirm that it’s not murder. I’ve been writing this all day, a few lines here, some more there, all leading up to this moment.
You see I already planned all this a while back. I’ve just been very very scared today. So I started writing to stop my hands from shaking. I’ve taken this decision and I won’t go back on it, but I’m well and truly terrified.
I won’t stop writing until I’m dead, or until the hemlock has rendered me incapable. It doesn’t take a lot, they say. And it’s not that painful since it causes paralysis from the extremities in. In some ways this feels like the best way to gggm. To go. It’s starrttted… My hanDdds struGgglEe assd accrosst tthee kkseyyupa